If we want to move from sexual frustration to sexual fulfillment then we must…

Embrace the fact that GOD MADE US TO BE COMPLEMENTARY

So God created human beings in His own image. In the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.  (Genesis 1:27 NLT)

So often, when speaking to couples whose marriage is on the rocks, and they are at each other’s throats and they are contemplating the “D” word; I will hear them say, “Well, we are just so different.”

WELL, YEAH, THAT IS KIND OF THE POINT, YOU ARE A MAN, SHE IS A WOMAN. God made you that way, God made you to be different, not for competition, but to be complementary.  You complete one another. As married people we need to stop competing with one another and start completing one another, after is the meaning of “the two shall become one flesh.”

Guys, if you wanted someone who liked it when you played Madden 2010 in your underwear all day, you should have just moved in with your college roommate.  Ladies, if you wanted someone who would be overly emotional and sympathetic about “everything” and enjoyed doing the dishes then you should have just moved in with his mom instead;-)

We’re obviously different……..and I believe we need to recognize that it is by divine design. God planned it that way. He intended our differences to be complementary, not competitive!  If I don’t understand the complementary role of my wife, I’m going to expect her to think like a man and vice versa.

One of the basic differences between men and women is in this area of sex; 43% of women tend to think about sex once a week, while men tend to think about sex on a daily basis. If women had the same sex drive as men, nothing would ever get done in this world!

~ For women, if there is not a good relationship, then there is not good sex.

~ For men, good sex makes for a good relationship.

This is where the hormonal differences come in to play. Men are pretty loaded down with testosterone and are visually stimulated. If the environment is right and a few signals are given or perceived as given, they’re good to go…….

Women on the other hand have more oxytocin flowing within them….well what the heck is that? ………….It’s the hormone that is very active when breastfeeding and creates attachment or connection. Oxytocin is the hormone that creates a bond between mother and her child.

~ Women need to feel connected before they want to be intimate sexually.  Men feel more connected after they’ve been intimate. They get all conversational and sensitive.

HERE”S A GENERAL NUGGET OF TRUTH!

~ A man wants to have sex to feel close.

~ A woman wants to feel close to have sex.

Remember, God intended our differences to be complimentary, not competitive.

The goal of marriage is not simply to have all my needs met, but to act in Christ likeness so that the two may become one.

If missed this talk you can listen online at http://www.thedialoguechurch.com/?p=3203.

Why do we experience sexual frustration?

THE UNDERLYING PROBLEM IS A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING ONE ANOTHER and our roles!

So how do we move FROM FRUSTRATION TO FULFILLMENT?

First, DEVELOP A HEALTHY UNDERSTANDING OF SEX.

The best way to develop an understanding of anything is to ask its creator…..So what does God have to say about sex?  It’s time we brought the bed back into the church, and the church back into bed.

The first thing we know is that God created us as sexual beings and He created sex for our benefit!

God created sex to…

PROMOTE UNITY BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”  (Ephesians 5:31 NLT)

Five times in Scripture is it says: “And they shall become one flesh.” Sex is the physical expression of a spiritual truth. It bonds husbands and wives together in a very exclusive way.  Sex is more than a physical connection, its a spiritual connection, and they don’t make a condom to protect your heart.

PRODUCE CHILDREN THROUGH THE HUSBAND AND WIFE

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:27-28 ESV)

FAR BE IT  TO SAY THAT SEX IS A SIN, IN FACT, THE BIBLE SAYS THAT GOD COMMANDS US TO HAVE SEX; THE ISSUE IS NEVER SEX, BUT THE ISSUE IS WHO, WHEN, & WHY.  The very first command that God ever gave to us as human beings was to “be fruitful and multiply”…….. It’s amazing that as a general rule that’s the only command we’ve been able to keep!

The sad thing is, for many couples… this is the only benefit of sex they have experienced.  Sex has become a source of conflict and frustration more than it has been a unifying element.

PROVIDE ENJOYMENT FOR THE HUSBAND AND WIFE

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.  (Proverbs 5:18-19 NLT)

GOD COMMANDS MARRIED COUPLES TO HAVE THE GREATEST SEX EVER!

The word “captivated” literally means “to be intoxicated, captivated, ravished” One translation says: “Let her steal away your senses.  God’s idea for sex in marriage is that it is to be fulfilling, fun, and enjoyable. This is not simply a suggestion … this is a command! He’s saying: “I command you to have fun!”  The Bible has a lot to say about enjoying sexual intimacy in the context of marriage.

As a matter of fact, in I COR. 7, Paul warns married couples to be careful that they don’t spend too much time away from each other … don’t hold back.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  (1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT)

This text clearly communicates that sex in marriage is for more than reproductive purposes. You can only make so many babies, but you can always make more love!

BUT it’s not enough to discover the truth about sex, we must also…

MAYBE YOU THOUGHT WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED THAT ALL YOUR SEXUAL FRUSTRATION WOULD DISAPPEAR

I’m sure that that many of you expected that once you got married all of the frustrations you had relating to sex would be a thing of the past. And then you got married!……..and all of a sudden he doesn’t look as good as he once did, she doesn’t turn you on like she once did…..sex is just not as exciting as it once was….And as a result you’re left Frustrated.

What leads to sexual frustration?

UNREASONABLE DEMANDS

Not necessarily from one another, but rather the demands of life… dual careers, working different shifts; children; hobbies.  A whole lot about the American way of life leaves us exhausted at the end of the day, and we’re too tired for our most important relationships.  There are also unreasonable demands when it comes to how often some married people want to have sex…..we’ll get to that later though.

IF YOU AND I DON’T LIVE WITH MARGIN, THEN THOSE CLOSEST TO US WILL BECOME MARGINALIZED.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

What do soap operas, romance novels, and pornography have in common?  They all feed unrealistic expectations.  How often does Hollywood include foreplay and the moments right after sexual intimacy?  They don’t but many of us compare our marriages to what we see in Hollywood.  Your wife will never be like a celebrity porn star, because they are’t real, they are fantasy, these are characters (like actors in a movie) that some 45 year old single dude who lives in his mom’s basement playing dungeons and dragons all day has concocted.  Your husband will never be your favorite Brad Pitt character, or any other role in your favorite romance movie, why? Because life is much longer than a two hour blockbuster; because your marriage is much more intense than any hollywood director can create; and because every relationship has issues that are overwhelming and we can’t simply get out of it by changing the channel.

UNRESOLVED ISSUES

This includes everything from communication breakdown within the relationship to hurt and pain from past relationships.  Those who have encountered various forms of sexual abuse in their past tend to associate sex with pain as opposed to pleasure… both physically and emotionally.  One spouse’s unresolved past becomes their partners pain and frustration in the present.

SEX IS BETWEEN THE EARS, BEFORE IT’S BETWEEN THE LEGS.

I love that statement. It’s biblical. In fact, what we believe about sex, is what we will do with sex. What I cram into my mind about sex, is what my body will do with sex. Your beliefs determine your behavior. Sex happens in the head, before it happens in the bed!

SEX IS SOMETHING WE ARE, BEFORE ITS SOMETHING WE DO.

We are sexual beings. God made us that way. So, to try and deny that fact or suppress that part of our nature would be stupid, but we must also understand that SEX IS A GOD-GIVEN GIFT TO BE USED IN A GOD-DRIVEN WAY.

If we think sex is only something we do, then it doesn’t matter who we do it, when we do it, or why we do it.  I am all for 6th grade sex education, but we can’t stop at the HOW TO, we must move on to the WHO, WHEN, & WHY of sex.  The culture has taught us much about the HOW TO, but God is more interested in the WHO, WHEN, & WHY.

WE ARE MORE THAN THE ANIMLAS WHO CONGREGATE TO COPULATE.  The culture says, you are a sexual beast, you can’t help it, you must submit to your urges and sexual desires, no matter what they are. And the church for far too long has said, You are not a sexual being, so just ignore it.

The culture has said to EXPRESS IT.  The culture says, DO IT, DO IT, AND DO IT SOME MORE.  It doesn’t matter who when or why?

The church for far too long has said to SUPPRESS IT. DON’T DO IT, DON’T DO IT, IF YOU DO IT YOU WILL BURN.

But what does God really say in His Word about sex?

But God says to EMBRACE IT. We are to embrace this God given gift in a God-driven way.  Sex is meant for the marriage bed, a man and a woman who vow before God and to one another in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, till death do us part – the two shall become one flesh. Marriage is a sacred, biblical institution.  It’s more than a piece of paper, but in our culture the piece of paper is definitely important.  It’s more than a promise, it’s a covenant that should not be broken under any circumstances.  It’s built on mutual love and respect; and love is more than a feeling, its a choice.  You don’t fall into love, you grow into love.